It’s that time of year for HGTV’s Ultimate House Hunt! You may be about to click out of this article already based on this information alone. However, I URGE you to stick with me for just a minute. Something exciting is about to happen here at The Taste Maven. The FIRST EVER TASTE MAVEN HOME STAMP OF DISAPPROVAL is going to be awarded! I am going to share with you the three most atrocious houses from the litany of over-priced, over-stuffed and over-glossed homes currently in the running for the title of Ultimate House of 2016. While I can say that amongst the 8 different award categories there are some very creative uses of space, some dynamite locations, and a small drop of taste here and there, the majority of the choices are straight out of “The Real Housewives of (Insert Rich Suburb Here)”. HGTV is handing out the following awards: Waterfront Homes, International Homes, Bringing the Outside In, Master Retreats, Living Large in Small Spaces, Kids’ Spaces, Classic Living and Making an Entrance. I think Making an Entrance was the hardest category to look through because by its very nature almost every home featured had a “grand foyer” that made me want to pray to the porcelain god, so to speak. The second worst might have been Kids’ Spaces because I was unable to look at any of the homes and not think of the spoiled little Athertons and Kingsleys who “play” there (read: don’t play there because they’re in the kitchen throwing a tantrum over Marta not cutting the crusts off their sandwiches).
I would LOVE to be able to show you my three top choices for the first Stamp of Disapproval, but unfortunately I don’t know how to insert a poll into this article. I’m sure there’s a way, but I’ve got a nap to take.
You may notice that the following houses have something in common, besides excessive use of tiles and rococo flourishes, and that is that they are all located in Texas…more specifically wealthy suburbs of Dallas. So way to go, Dallas. Your suburbs are so ridiculous that Mattel recently announced the release of a limited edition “Plano Barbie” (where two of our houses are located). She comes with a Lexus, a longhaired foreign lapdog, and an optional tummy-tuck. Workaholic ex-husband Ken sold separately.
Atrocity Number One (Plano, TX) – “Beautifully designed Mediterranean estate” – $2,399,900
Atrocity Number Two (Plano, TX) – “Exceptional Texas home on sprawling acreage” – $6,399,999
Atrocity Number Three (Prosper, TX) – “Chateau Montclair” – $12,750,000
And the winner is…ALL OF THEM!
CONGRATULATIONS to Ebby Halliday Realtors for having some of the ugliest luxury homes on the market! Your three homes and your company have earned The Taste Maven Stamp of Disapproval.